Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?

Tina Yazdanfar

1 day ago

2 min read

It starts with the dishes, money, or a change of plans. Soon, you are having the same argument again. One person feels unheard. The other feels blamed. Both leave feeling frustrated.

When this keeps happening, it can help to notice how the argument unfolds. Here are a few ways to start.

Notice what happens between you

Think about a recent disagreement. Did one of you keep asking questions while the other went quiet? Did you both start talking louder? Try describing what happened: “I kept asking, you stopped talking, and we both got upset.” This gives you something to work on together.

Say what you need

Choose one concern and make a clear request. For example: “When our plans change, could you send me a quick message? It helps me know what to expect.” A clear request gives your partner a better idea of what would help.

Take a break when you need one

If you are too upset to listen, agree to pause and come back to the conversation. You might say: “This matters to me. I need a break, and I can talk again at eight.” Use the time to calm down. Agree on this plan when you are both calm, so you know the conversation will continue.

Take turns listening

Choose a time when you are less likely to be interrupted. Talk about one issue at a time. Each person can explain what happened, how they felt, and what they need. Before answering, try checking that you understood: “It sounds like you felt left out. Have I got that right?” You can understand your partner’s feelings even when you see things differently.

You can ask for help

If you keep getting stuck, couples counselling can help you look at what happens during arguments and practise new ways to talk. You do not have to wait until things feel unmanageable to reach out.

These suggestions are for disagreements where both partners can speak without fear of threats or harm.

Couples counselling in Langley and Coquitlam

Higher Step Family Services offers couples counselling in Langley and Coquitlam, and online across BC. A free 15-minute phone consultation gives you time to ask questions and learn about getting started.